I have to stop

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 17:17:13 +0200

So I woke up this morning after another bottle and a half of wine last night. I look rough. I feel rough. My gorgeous husband looks at me with pity and that really hurts. I've had to stay home again today and work, as I can't possibly go to work like this - its not that I am wrecked or anyting - I just can't face anyone.

I am 36 years old, married to a wonderful man and we have a fabulous little boy. We both have great jobs, earn plenty of money and have a good standard of living. And I am FUCKING IT UP.

My busband doesnt drink - never has - his mom died at 51yrs old last year - she was an alcoholic, a dependant alcoholic. I saw her after she'd died. It was the most awful experience I've ever had. And how is it then that I continue to poison myself?

I am an alcoholic - I hate the word. I am a binge drinker, I dont drink every day, I dont always drink too much - sometimes I can control it, but more often than not I cant. Its caused me intolerable embarrassment over the years - Alcohol is both my friend and my enemy. If there was one thing I could change about me it would be that I could drink normally just like other people - but thats never going to happen.

My father is a binge drinker too. Though he is violent and horrible.
My Mom is a binge drinker - just like me
My Gran was a binge drinker - though I only realised this more recently
So I am at a distinct disadvantage, in that this is in my blood.

I want to break the mould - I have to break the mould, for my Son's sake
I don't want him to follow the same path.

Trouble is, stopping drinking scares me
You probably think I am an arsehole whilst you're reading this. I have it all and the answer to not losing it is to stop drinking - thats all I have to do - I mean, how hard can it be? Its not like I am addicted to liqour and that I have to drink to function is it? I can go months without a drink if I try really hard - why is it that I can't get it through my head that I just need to take this beyond months and giveupfor good? Answer: I don't know - I don't understand it

I am so worried about my health - I need to lose weight, but when I drink I eat crap and the next day I eat crap to get myself together again. I am terrified that I am going to die and leave my baby and my husband. I think about it all the time and it haunts me. I get up every morning with the intention to stop drinking - some days it works, some days it doesnt. I have been having pain in my liver, a mild pain, but a pain nonetheless after bouts of heavy drinking (by heavy drinking I mean 1.5-2 btls wine or a half bottle of vodka). By some peoples standards its not actually that much - but it scares the hell out of me
But I keep doing it - what the fuck is wrong with me?

I want to be fit and healthy, radiating health. I want to be gorgrous and sexy for my husband. Not stinking of booze and talking a load of crap and gaining more bloody weight.

I havent always been like this though - I guess over the last 10 years my drinking has steadily increased and has been on and off

I want to stop now, but I am scared and I need the support
I tried AA but it depressed the hell out of me and caused me to drink even more

I need someone to turn to, someone to spill everyhting out to every day, so that I can get rid of the negative feelings and reduce my mental block on drinking. So I decided I'd Blog. I don't wnat anyone to judge me, I dont want anyone telling me to pull myself together, I dont want pity, I just want someone to listen and offer advice if they can - I just need someone to talk to every day

So, TODAY I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE A DRINK

Tomorrow - well I'll deal with that tomorrow.

Thanks for listening

Comments

Early Days

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 07:23:18 +0200

I didnt have a drink yesterday, so I feel much more positive today.

I am nervous because I am going to a 40th Birthday Lunch today - and I am guessing the champagne will be flowing - I just have to stay strong. Its the first bloody thing I thought about this morning. you see, I couldn't have just one - I'd have to carry on drinking - I get the taste for it and then I find it very very difficult to stop. So there are 2 possible outcomes for today:
1 I go to the lunch, don't have a drink and go home and work, when my husband gets in I'll be sober and able to hold a sensible conversation with hum - we'll be able to sit up and watch the TVtogether, drinking tea and laughing together

2 I go to the lunch, have a drink, drive home, having had too much, go to the supermarket get more, get home have more drinks, get pissed, spout out some crap to my husband when he gets home, eat too much, be in bed by 9 - on my own

Hmmm... Option 1 sounds much better doesn't it?
It requires a lot of willpower to do that
Not something I am overrun with...
But I have all the reasons in the world to choose it

Option 2 is the easy lazy-ass route; its easy because I don't have to try, I don't have to explain myself to everyone when the insist that I have a drink, I don't have to feel uncomfortable, I'll 'fit in' with all the normal people and no-one will suspect that I have a drink problem. But when I get home, it turns into the hard option - because I am drunk again, stinking of booze, my husband putting upwith my verbal ramblings - it gets really difficult to 'try and be sober' he nows I'm not and so the initial rush I get when I have a drink turns into guilt and my head is then in turmoil and despair.

So, all that considered, I need to head for Option 1
I need to start thinking of myself as a non-drinker;
thats scary, this is so cliche, but its like saying goodbye to an old friend, though booze is both my friend and my enemy - more the latter in recent times
When I think too far ahead I get scared. I feel like I can only deal with one day at a time - thats the one thing that I took away from the AA meetings - a day at a time - and it makes sense, if I start planning invariably I fail.

Choosing option 1 means that I will start to heal myself, start to take care of myself, start to feel better.

So today, I am not going to have a drink, no matter how pressurised I feel.

And tonight, we'll sit together and watch the TV like 'normal' people and my husband won't be scared or worried, and I won't wake up to him looking at me with pity, and I won't feel rough and I won't feel negative and I'll get suited and booted and go to work

I have another issue to deal with tomorrow, but I'll do that tomorrow.

Thanks for reading, its not very interesting stuff, but this is my recovery, and putting all down in black and white makes it all real for me; its documented and it happened - I can't hide from my ugly secret anymore.

Comments

I'm giving it up for good

I have to stop

Early Days