I didnt have a drink yesterday, so I feel much more positive today.

I am nervous because I am going to a 40th Birthday Lunch today - and I am guessing the champagne will be flowing - I just have to stay strong. Its the first bloody thing I thought about this morning. you see, I couldn't have just one - I'd have to carry on drinking - I get the taste for it and then I find it very very difficult to stop. So there are 2 possible outcomes for today:
1 I go to the lunch, don't have a drink and go home and work, when my husband gets in I'll be sober and able to hold a sensible conversation with hum - we'll be able to sit up and watch the TVtogether, drinking tea and laughing together

2 I go to the lunch, have a drink, drive home, having had too much, go to the supermarket get more, get home have more drinks, get pissed, spout out some crap to my husband when he gets home, eat too much, be in bed by 9 - on my own

Hmmm... Option 1 sounds much better doesn't it?
It requires a lot of willpower to do that
Not something I am overrun with...
But I have all the reasons in the world to choose it

Option 2 is the easy lazy-ass route; its easy because I don't have to try, I don't have to explain myself to everyone when the insist that I have a drink, I don't have to feel uncomfortable, I'll 'fit in' with all the normal people and no-one will suspect that I have a drink problem. But when I get home, it turns into the hard option - because I am drunk again, stinking of booze, my husband putting upwith my verbal ramblings - it gets really difficult to 'try and be sober' he nows I'm not and so the initial rush I get when I have a drink turns into guilt and my head is then in turmoil and despair.

So, all that considered, I need to head for Option 1
I need to start thinking of myself as a non-drinker;
thats scary, this is so cliche, but its like saying goodbye to an old friend, though booze is both my friend and my enemy - more the latter in recent times
When I think too far ahead I get scared. I feel like I can only deal with one day at a time - thats the one thing that I took away from the AA meetings - a day at a time - and it makes sense, if I start planning invariably I fail.

Choosing option 1 means that I will start to heal myself, start to take care of myself, start to feel better.

So today, I am not going to have a drink, no matter how pressurised I feel.

And tonight, we'll sit together and watch the TV like 'normal' people and my husband won't be scared or worried, and I won't wake up to him looking at me with pity, and I won't feel rough and I won't feel negative and I'll get suited and booted and go to work

I have another issue to deal with tomorrow, but I'll do that tomorrow.

Thanks for reading, its not very interesting stuff, but this is my recovery, and putting all down in black and white makes it all real for me; its documented and it happened - I can't hide from my ugly secret anymore.