So I woke up this morning after another bottle and a half of wine last night. I look rough. I feel rough. My gorgeous husband looks at me with pity and that really hurts. I've had to stay home again today and work, as I can't possibly go to work like this - its not that I am wrecked or anyting - I just can't face anyone.
I am 36 years old, married to a wonderful man and we have a fabulous little boy. We both have great jobs, earn plenty of money and have a good standard of living. And I am FUCKING IT UP.
My busband doesnt drink - never has - his mom died at 51yrs old last year - she was an alcoholic, a dependant alcoholic. I saw her after she'd died. It was the most awful experience I've ever had. And how is it then that I continue to poison myself?
I am an alcoholic - I hate the word. I am a binge drinker, I dont drink every day, I dont always drink too much - sometimes I can control it, but more often than not I cant. Its caused me intolerable embarrassment over the years - Alcohol is both my friend and my enemy. If there was one thing I could change about me it would be that I could drink normally just like other people - but thats never going to happen.
My father is a binge drinker too. Though he is violent and horrible.
My Mom is a binge drinker - just like me
My Gran was a binge drinker - though I only realised this more recently
So I am at a distinct disadvantage, in that this is in my blood.
I want to break the mould - I have to break the mould, for my Son's sake
I don't want him to follow the same path.
Trouble is, stopping drinking scares me
You probably think I am an arsehole whilst you're reading this. I have it all and the answer to not losing it is to stop drinking - thats all I have to do - I mean, how hard can it be? Its not like I am addicted to liqour and that I have to drink to function is it? I can go months without a drink if I try really hard - why is it that I can't get it through my head that I just need to take this beyond months and giveupfor good? Answer: I don't know - I don't understand it
I am so worried about my health - I need to lose weight, but when I drink I eat crap and the next day I eat crap to get myself together again. I am terrified that I am going to die and leave my baby and my husband. I think about it all the time and it haunts me. I get up every morning with the intention to stop drinking - some days it works, some days it doesnt. I have been having pain in my liver, a mild pain, but a pain nonetheless after bouts of heavy drinking (by heavy drinking I mean 1.5-2 btls wine or a half bottle of vodka). By some peoples standards its not actually that much - but it scares the hell out of me
But I keep doing it - what the fuck is wrong with me?
I want to be fit and healthy, radiating health. I want to be gorgrous and sexy for my husband. Not stinking of booze and talking a load of crap and gaining more bloody weight.
I havent always been like this though - I guess over the last 10 years my drinking has steadily increased and has been on and off
I want to stop now, but I am scared and I need the support
I tried AA but it depressed the hell out of me and caused me to drink even more
I need someone to turn to, someone to spill everyhting out to every day, so that I can get rid of the negative feelings and reduce my mental block on drinking. So I decided I'd Blog. I don't wnat anyone to judge me, I dont want anyone telling me to pull myself together, I dont want pity, I just want someone to listen and offer advice if they can - I just need someone to talk to every day
So, TODAY I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE A DRINK
Tomorrow - well I'll deal with that tomorrow.
Thanks for listening